When I wrote my thesis many years ago, I was trying to articulate the differences between the way men and women communicate on the job. It was written before the onslaught of personal computers and so the research was done by hand, and consequently the information I found was relative to my geographic space and my energy levels. Shortly after I defended my thesis, a book emerged that was entitled "You Just don't Understand: Conversation between men and women." As I studied this work by Deborah Tannen, I wished that I had written the book, or at least that it could have been available when I was writing my arguments. It seemed to articulate many of the differences between communication styles that I wanted to point out. Knowing something and being able to do it is quite different. There is always a gap between what I know and what I do. It has become my life's quest to shorten that gap. This lesson was one of the most important things I gleaned from my experience at the RUSK institute in New York City. I was able to focus on improving what I do, rather than just adding to what I know.

I have been reading alot lately and reading directly influences my writing. I want to glean insights from my reading. Currently I'm involved in a book called "The Help". It is written from the perspective of the colored help that was popular in Mississippi during the 60's. It seems to me that much has changed since then, but again that's from the perspective of a white woman. It is hard for me these days to read something or see something, and remain unaffected. I seem to empathize with the slightest of provocations, and while this makes me more teary than I'd like to be, I find myself grateful to feel emotional about the things that are at the core of mine or other's very being.

The Memory Collector

When one is dealing with any kind of difficulty, hope is all that prevents that person from sinking into a dark abyss. I met a woman today who has every right to complain -- everyone of us would understand...from our frame of reference, her life would be too hard. She lived through 2 strokes, she has MS, her hearing is shot, she can get around only with a cane, and she has oesteporosis. But instead of sharing her difficulties (I only knew those things because she let a few facts slip into our conversation, she never fully discussed any of it), she chose to share her love for art and photography and she talked about how she and her husband wanted to travel as much as possible before she physically couldn't any longer. She didn't say so, but I got the feeling that she was collecting memories that would warm her during the winters of life that were in store. She appeared to be very tired, but she also seemed to have an attitude that that suggested she would have plenty of time to rest in the future. Now was the time to collect memories.

What should be done with old memories? The one's that for one reason or another are no longer cordially invited to your personal library of memories.
Past experiences, for better or worse, help to define who we are today.
I love the Kenny Roger's song called "I can't Unlove you". The lyrics say:
"Postcards and letters, pictures made to last forever...Now are boxed up and tossed away. Knicknacks and souvenirs -- in an afternoon, they're out of here. They'll disappear without a trace. But what they mean to me can never be replaced..."

Those lyrics speak to me, but I admit, that I am only starting to figure out what to do with the remembrances that make up half of my adult life.

Be Kind, Rewind

From the video rental world, we have become programmed to desire "do-overs." It has identified the wish in most of us, to want to "rewind" some of the difficult or unpleasant aspects of our lives.
Do you remember the times at recess when you were in elementary school where you were playing some kind of sport -- tetherball, kickball, dodgeball, 4 square, hopscotch, jacks or whatever...and your competitive spirit kicked in to gear when you lost, and you shouted "I want do-overs..." Hoping that your opponent would give you a second chance to redeem yourself, by playing the game again. Sometimes our opponants are happy with the outcome, and they do not want to risk rewinding. We simply had to accept our loss. Usually such a win-lose situation signified (sometimes psychologically) that the other was somehow "better" than us.
I don't think we've ever replaced this drive. Our desire for "do-overs" is just as intense today as it was when we were much younger.
We can see examples (sometimes more subtle examples) of people desiring "do-overs." Most long for the "good 'ol days" and they seek ways of incorporating pieces of that happier times into their present lives. We never really get over yelling DO-OVERS when we feel that something is unfair in our present situations.
Unfortunately if we do get a second chance,we can only approach those circumstances with the knowledge and wisdom we had at the time. For instance, I think of countless sleepless nights that I spent when my children were infants. I often wished that I could have the experience of a newborn baby with the strength and understanding that only became mine when we were six months or more down the development road.
I guess if I could return to some of life's experiences with the knowledge, understanding and empathy evident in my more mature development, it would be lovely to have a rewind button that would permanently erase the mistakes and shortcomings that have plagued my life as I have tried to grow up. Or perhaps it would be enough if I could simply erase my hardest trials or glaring mistakes. But if the rule in having "do-overs" means that I can only return to the understanding and abilities that were available to me at an earlier time, I do not think I would rewind. Once is enough, thank you very much.
Assuming that we/I did our best in the circumstances we were dealt, what else is there? One's best is all that can be asked for. As I used to tell my students, "go ahead and make mistakes. Just make sure that they are new ones'...then there is evidence that you are growing." Making the same mistake over and over again sometimes happens while a person is learning, but if the mistakes become chronic, one can guess or feel that learning and/or understanding is not taking root. While the outcome of implementing changes can only be assumed, we never really know what has planted itself in a person's heart and soul. But once awareness is obviously gained, mistakes move to past tense; and it's time to watch for evidence of new growth.

A Description of Passing thru Hope

I'm brand new at this blogging thing, so here it goes...I will begin by explaining the title of this blog. After completing a year at the NYU rehab I was enrolled in, I flew to upper New York and was met by my old roommate Shauna and her daughter AnnaLisa. We toured upstate NY (Niagra Falls, Canada, Joseph Smith sites, etc.). On the drive home we passed through a little piece of Pennsylvania. I noticed a sign that said "Hope -- 10 miles." I remember thinking at the time, "how cool, we're passing through hope." So that focus is where the title of this blog came from. In hindsight however, I am attracted to the sign again -- Hope, 10 miles. I guess when considering life's circumstances for most of us, Hope really is 10 miles away. We travel the distance, and sometimes are rewarded with the discovery of a new treasure. But just as often, after going the distance, we discover a dusty, undesirable place. In this situation, we become faced with the option of either throwing out hope, or simply chalking it up to experience and try again, another time. Even another time might yeild disappointment, or it may reward us with the hope of our hearts. We never know the outcome before we travel the ten miles to Hope.